Northern folk terrified by angry sky magic

I came across the below ‘story’ on The Daily Mash – an online website which seeks to spoof out some of the more popular news stories of the day.

At heart, I remain a northern gay, and so I absolutely loved their latest one on the Perseid shower:

NORTHERN FOLK TERRIFIED BY ANGRY SKY MAGIC

PEOPLE across northern England fled in panic last night claiming the ‘cloud gods were shooting darts of angry fire across the sky’.

Thor and Jesus are clearly not happy
Thor and Jesus are clearly not happy

Emergency services from Carlisle to Middlesbrough were stretched to breaking point as thousands of soot-smeared villagers used their ‘sorcerer’s talking boxes’ to phone the fire brigade.

But the exhausted crews were unable to keep up with demand as they dashed across the region, directing their hoses upwards in a bid to stop the clouds from bursting into flames.

A Home Office spokesman said: “Their natural reaction is to phone 999 as most Northerners believe the sky to be no more than 30ft high.

“You would think that the firemen would tell them not to worry, but of course northern firemen are still Northerners.”

Meanwhile, south of Peterborough, the phenomenon was attributed to the Perseid meteor shower.

Cambridge astronomer Tom Logan said: “It is an annual astronomical event caused by debris from the Swift-Tuttle comet disintegrating in the upper reaches of the Earth’s atmosphere. But of course to a Northerner, I may as well have said all that in Mandarin Chinese.”

He added: “They’re really just children. Unfortunately they’re also huge, drunk children who will fling an old woman onto a bonfire if they think her cat is up to no good.”

Stephen Malley, the deputy leader of Northallerton District Council, said: “The gods have tested us tonight, but I am glad to say our brave firemen were up to the task and the sky remains intact.

“However, it is clear that we have angered our invisible cloud masters and they must now be appeased with an extended period of sacrificial blood letting. I suggest we start with the poofters.”

Advertisements

About Gari

Thirty-Two year old northern lad; living out in the Peak District and rediscovering life after having had a brain tumour.

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s